Welcome back to the first (and possibly only) episode of Kreepin’ with the Koopa. Yes, I said welcome back; don’t tell me how to live my life.
If you were to ask me “Señor Koopa, what on earth would possess you to launch your first comedic posting of a wrestling show on none other than the Molotov cocktail thrown at a battery acid wound known as WWE Crown Jewel?”, I would have to reply with the timeless phrase, “get out of my house.”
Crown Jewel is in the books, and with all books of its caliber, we will be looking to shelve said book on a bookcase in the darkest basement of the most abandoned library. It was interestingly a “show to remember” with all the distinct qualities of a show WWE would be happy if you lobotomized its details from your head hole. Let’s dive headfirst into this pool without water, shall we?
Truth be told, most of this Pay Per View is going to be told through a glossed over and exhausted lens (I watched the show on my phone at work); so here’s my obligatory “I’m sorry that I only know about the finish of the match” statement. Truth be told, I can live with myself regarding that, and I hope you can too.
PRE-SHOW Match: Holiday Man vs. The defected pun baby of a political slogan
A match up that featured a man who, just a short while ago, was burning with promise that maybe WWE was ready to atone for the mistakes of not pulling the trigger on stars that perfectly whet the palate of fans around the world (I’m looking at you Tye Dillinger; I remember when the 10 chant was virally destroying arenas worldwide). Turns out, according to Booker T, when you get a slogan over so intensely that it rustles the jimmies of Grapefruits Mc-Ganglion, you’re more caught up with the “spotlight” than actually winning the match. You hear that everyone? The glint of TMZ and the red carpet and smacking Lana’s ass on Total Divas has blinded Holiday Man from being able to win back a title he once held undefeated for like a year. Definitely didn’t have anything to do with Vince’s infatuation with having Nakamurica crush balls on a weekly basis. Nope. Moving on.
Opening of the Show: The Real American; does anyone see the irony in that statement?
I am going to be clear with you guys; there are going to be those that think Hulk Hogan has waited long enough to come back to the WWE. There are going to be people that believe he has atoned for his transgressions against people of color and deserves to once again return his leather body back into the spotlight. There will be those that feel what he said was not that serious, and you may even find other people of color trying to use their position as people of color to try and speak for the community as a whole stating that what he said was not that bad, or was forgiven. There will be people who will be just as hyped as that Saudi Arabia crowd was to see him. Those people will later be found out to be co-conspirators in the development of Sonic the Hedgehog 2006, and I am not one of them. Hulk Hogan being carted out at the start of the show was truly the moment where I realized just exactly how Vince McMahon felt about Hulk’s racist comments; he does not care about them in the slightest. PR was this man’s only concern when it came to Hogan; he knew that if he carted him out in the U.S. first, there would be consequences. He is not without a crafty plan though; this was Vince’s way of putting Hulk out there in front of a crowd that wanted to love him desperately. Why? Because their government bought his time, that’s why (an aside). More importantly, they were not the targets of Hulk’s slurs back when those comments were made. Maybe they do not know about them; I am not well versed in Saudi Arabia’s wrestling fan base nor their knowledge of modern wrestling news. Ultimately, Vince wants the U.S. fans to see Hulk being cheered in the hopes that, maybe we’ll cheer him too. That’s how Vince thinks; he really does believe we are that short sighted and lack that desperately for memory. I hope you don’t cheer him, reader. I really hope you don’t.
After a brief promo about brothers and manic episodes, Hulk slithered back to a tanning bed and was never heard from again. Moving on.
1st match of the night – Best in the Cup to Determine the World in the Best Quarter Finals: Dick Hands vs. Area Code Supreme
Dick Hands tries to go for his patent pending special move “The Diamond Cutter” but Area Code reverses into a flippy shit surprise that catches Dick Hands by the dick for the 1, 2, 3! This act of defiance angers the Flaccid Phenom and he throws Area Code back to his place of origin so he can answer the phone. Booyaka.
2nd match of the night – Two Bests, one Cup to Determine Best Hole in One Quarter Finals: Fucking Kill Me vs. Fake Disgruntled Dad: the Sitcom
FKM harkens back to his brother Crackboy at the beginning of the match by playing basketball with Dad’s head on each of the turnbuckles; he then tries to end his own life by throwing himself off high heights at his opponent repeatedly until #MadLadDad decides his backstory’s better and hits him with the Skull-Nutting-Bonanza. 1, 2, 3! Dean from Supernatural wins. Next match!
3rd match of the night – Best Cup to Determine Best Cup: The Witch’s Cackle vs. Sweatbands, accompanied by his best buddy Black Christopher Walken
Remember when Sweatbands was considered a contender to fight the most violent farmer in the land? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Unfortunately, Sweatbands won’t possibly remember that, for as soon as the match started to grow legs and run towards interest, Ol’ Sweats had a spell casted on him and felt the heel-to-toe goodness of a man who may have the best laugh in wrestling history. 1, 2, 3! The Crossfit Cackler wins and advances to the semi-finals.
4th match of the night – Best World to Determine Where to Leave Byron Saxton: Fake Sex, accompanied by Real Sex vs. A Sentient Torso-Neck
There were a lot of Germans involved in this one (if you’re into that sort of thing), and at one point the Torso-Neck attempted to wrap its two Adam’s apples around its opponent’s ankle in an attempt to hum it off the rest of the leg. Luckily, Fake Sex spent much time in school studying instead of having sex, and was able to figure out the right angle that would allow him to trip the mighty tree trunk man out of his Vibrato-Lock right into the corner. He then hit him with a vicious Zaggeroni-Slam for the 3, 2, 1! Brett Michaels wins. MOVING ON!
5th match of the night: Konami Code Carpet Ride vs. The Standards of Europe, accompanied by a giant spinning man. SMACKDOWN TAG TITLES ON THE LINE.
Boy, oh boy, was that first entrance too long. I’m gonna be honest; I didn’t know they were even on a carpet until good ol’ Magnus Cole chuckled it out. I think he too, realized it looked nothing like a carpet, but rather a left over prop from Mania in New Orleans. The lads had a fine match until the giant spinning man ended up accidentally hitting one of them, sending them flying into a rooster’s foot for the 1, 3, 2! Europe wins! NEXT!
6th match of the night – Best Fuck to Determine Next Cup In Your House: Disgruntled Dad: the Sequel vs. Arena Code Lucha!
Arena Code is still feeling the effects of being fucked by Dick Hands and is unable to participate in the strong hugs as vigorously as he once thought; instead he attempts the same move he used to beat Dick Hands but botches it and falls flat on his back. No one except me notices, and life goes on. In the end, no one escapes the Skull-Fucking-Bukkake. 1, 1, 1! The Marine wins. ONWARD!
7th match of the night – I am running out of names for this stupid fucking tournament: Cackles vs. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, also accompanied by Real Sex.
This match was, for me, the best match on the card. Two men who know how to really grease my gizzard and spritz with a sizzle, if you catch my level of discomfort. There was drama; there was intensity; there was even Real Sex. I rate this match 4 and a half stuttering Dave Meltzer’s and 1 angry Bryan Alvarez (so baseline Bryan Alvarez). Bonus stars for setting up a heel vs. heel finals match to determine Best Dumb Bastard in all of the Saudi Arabia.
8th match of the night: The Southern Belle vs. OHHHHHHH WENDY!!!!!
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE LINE
If you’ve seen one recent rendition of this match, you’ve seen a better version of this match. It felt like it was just starting to become interesting, but the ending came abruptly and the crowd was desperately trying to survive this marathon of an event. In the end, the Southern Belle continued his display of dominance as he showed the world once again that his forearm is secretly the most powerful weapon in all the land. Oh, Wendy.
9th match of the night: Spooky Meat Castle vs. 504 Days of Wasted Time
THE UNIVERSE IS ON THE LINE
I am a Baron Corbin fan; have been since he debuted. That being said, if there was a way for you to get me to be mad at B-Corbs the character, this was it. A surprise belt lashing by Baron to the Meat Castle that definitely reminded someone of their father, 5 Windy-Spinny-Slams later and the most boring chunk of man meat this side of WWE is once again our Universal Champion. And it is during moments like this that I really wish WCW didn’t commit company suicide.
10th match of the night – Best Best to Determine Best in the Breast Forever Maximum x1,000,000: Feigned Enjoyed Foreplay, last to be accompanied by Real Sex vs. #MadDadLad: the Trilo-JUST FUCKING KIDDING IT’S YA BOI BEST IN THE WORLD MC-MIZZLE MONEY MAC-DADDY MC-CIRCLE JERK ON ME CAUSE I’M THE SON’S BOSS HERE COMES THE MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY
In what has to be the best practical joke I have ever seen, Vince McMahon has told every wrestling fan how he really feels about the independent circuit. Next Match.
Main Event: Dad Jokes vs. The Republicans of Destructions (so just the Republicans then).
I did not watch this match, and I am fine with this because out there on Twitter is a GIF of HHH running to be Irish whipped into the barricade, and he is outrunning Undertaker, who is desperately trying to catch up to him to make it look like he is leading him into it. It is the best and only meaningful detail of this match, and I refuse to believe otherwise.
I rate this Pay Per View 2 out of 5 Blood Moneys. Join us next time (whenever that will be) for another thrilling installment of Kreepin’ with the Koopa!