SmackDown Live Review, 7/3

OPENING SEGMENT: TEAM HELL NO & THE USOS

They’re already pouring water on my Team Hell No boner, showing doubt that Kane is sincere in really wanting this reunion. Good promo by the Usos and I really hope and think they will win tonight to make it a triple threat for the Tag Team Championships at Extreme Rules. It gives the match a stipulation, and it could be a way to get the titles off of the Bludgeon Brothers without having them lose.

Segment Rating: Five This Is Your Lifes

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UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE MIZ VS. JEFF HARDY (c)

Miz answers Jeff’s open challenge and Graves blows his load. He posits as to why Jeff Hardy has a Union Jack painted on his face. Good question. These two put on a hell of a match. Miz’s kick and Jeff’s head bouncing off the mat after was brutal. Miz goes for a win with his foot on the ropes, flips out when the ref doesn’t count the pin, and gets hit with a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb. Jeff Hardy retains.

Match Rating: Seven Gold Medals

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I can’t wait for Asuka to shove Ellsworth’s head up his pee hole.

 

PANCAKE EATING CONTEST

Graves is dead on with Saxton: “Look at this clown.” How come on every god damn holiday show they have to have some kind of food fight? It’s always horrible. I would rather watch the Godwinns throw slop all over the corpse of Mae Young than watch the New Day eat pancakes. But OH! Sanity saves the day! Well this got fucking awesome. And it didn’t even become a food fight! Though it was hilarious to see Wolfe stuff his face with a pile of red pancakes in the middle of the chaos. I can’t believe how awesome this became. I will have more faith next time.

Segment rating: Ten This Is Your Lifes

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JAMES ELLSWORTH VS. ASUKA

If Carmella doesn’t already have enough heat, imagine the reaction if she helps Ellsworth win this match. I do respect Ellsworth for making fun of himself the way he does and putting women over. Even though he would likely not have a job in WWE otherwise, there’s a lot of guys who would never do what he does. Asuka slaps the shit out of him and he runs away as we get a double count out. Predictably, this leads to Asuka chasing Ellsworth back out to the ring and Carmella attacking from behind. Frustrating finish but smart booking.

Match/Booking Rating: Four Dustys

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AJ STYLES VS. AIDEN ENGLISH

Aiden English is beating AJ Styles. That’s not a sentence I should ever type for any reason. Why did they even make this match? What the hell did English do to get a match with the champ? English eventually taps, but this match sucked shit.

Match Rating: Zero.

Rusev kicks AJ’s head off after the match then puts him in the Accolade. That’s some booking I understand, but holy shit was this match pointless and awful. It devalues the championship to even have AJ wrestle someone that far down the roster.

 

Asuka gets Ellsworth again next week in a Lumberjack (Jill?) match. Awesome

 

PEYTON ROYCE VS. BECKY LYNCH

Both of these women are terrific in the ring. It was a pretty cool roll through into the Dis-Arm-Her for Becky to get the win. I would have liked to see a little more distraction by Billie Kay, but overall a good match.

Match rating: Six Gold Medals

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THE USOS VS. TEAM HELL NO

It’s pretty cool to see Kane & DB teaming up again. Are the Usos faces or heels? Can we get a ruling on this at some point please? I had forgotten what a powerhouse Kane is. He’s HUGE. I want to know how wide he is. It’s so awesome when he counters moves into a chokeslam. I’m disappointed that the Usos didn’t get into the title match at Extreme Rules. Maybe they’ll still find a way into the match, or we’ll get some other stipulation. The Bludgeon Brothers’ outfits look extra creepy tonight.

Match Rating: Four Gold Medals

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Overall Show Rating: Six Gold Medals

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