The Miz and Maryse arrive in a limo with their and I’m gonna vomit. Yes, great way to get boos for your heel. Have him show up with his wife and baby and promote his sure-to-be-horrible new show. To steal a line from podcast maven Conrad Thompson: Who booked this shit?
IN-RING PROMO: RANDY ORTON
That was one of Randy’s better promos. He ran down pretty much every other wrestler on the roster in one way or another. It sounds like he’s really airing some of his frustrations out there and it made for some chilling stuff.
Promo Rating: Four Roddy Pipers
RUSEV VS. ANDRADE “CIEN” ALMAS
I really, really want Almas to win. He very likely won’t, but I’m pretty sick of Rusev at the moment, which means I can’t be the only one, so I think he needs a break after SummerSlam. Take him off TV for a bit. I doubt that happens, but I think he’d be better off if he was gone for a month or two. His booking has been very strange lately too, people can’t tell if he’s a face or a heel. I’m pretty sure he’s supposed to be a face tonight. It’s strange with these two athletes’ styles and sizes that Almas was the one using rest holds and slowing down the match and Rusev made a comeback with kicks and running the ropes.
The crowd is firmly behind Rusev and Lana and pops hard when Lana jumps on Zelina after getting slapped. For some dumbass reason, Aiden English runs down to pull Lana off of Zelina and gets knocked into her. The distraction gives Almas opening he needs to hit his DDT for the win. It did not make any sense to me to have English run down with Lana beating on Vega. If it was the other way around, it would have made perfect sense. I’m happy with the end result, but the Aiden spot needed to make more sense.
Match Rating: Six Gold Medals
Booking Rating: Four Kevin Sullivans
R-TRUTH VS. SAMOA JOE
Same as last week with Dillinger: what the hell does beating R-Truth do for Samoa Joe? That was my initial thought, then I realized well, it gets him on TV, it gets him a squash win against an established veteran rather than a nameless jobber (a jobber, yes, but people know who he is), and it portrays his as dominant. It also doesn’t hurt anyone’s momentum, since R-Truth hasn’t had momentum in 10 years. After thinking about it, I can get behind this booking, and call this a really good match for accomplishing what it set out to accomplish.
Match Rating: Seven Gold Medals
ASUKA VS. BILLIE KAY W/PEYTON ROYCE
I’m pretty sure Billie Kay yelled “you’re a wankah” to Asuka during the match. Three straight kicks to the head and Billie Kay probably just forgot math. Asuka with a dominant win to get herself back on track. Billie is solid in the ring and made a good opponent for Asuka in an decently entertaining match.
Match Rating: Five Gold Medals
IN-RING SEGMENT: PAIGE ANNOUNCES #1 CONTENDER
Rumors say it’ll be Samoa Joe. I can see that. Or maybe a returning Dean Ambrose? I’m dreaming there. I can’t think of anyone at the moment who makes more sense than Joe, even though that doesn’t make me pop. Surprise me Paige. Make a logical choice, but surprise me. All of a sudden it hit me: John Cena. As soon as I think of him, AJ mentions his name. I think it’s prophetic. Cena shouldn’t miss SummerSlam. There’s my prediction. Let’s hear it.
James Ellsworth interrupts. Well, he does have multiple wins over AJ Styles. I really want to see Paige drag Ellsworth to the back by his underwear. Instead, she fires him. Wow, didn’t see that coming. It’s fun to see him dragged out kicking and screaming. I really love Ellsworth’s troll jobs. But AJ is left standing in the ring. I think we may hear Cena’s music hit. I love that Paige literally boots Ellsworth’s ass out the door.
Back in the ring it is Samoa Joe ambushing AJ Styles, and we have our answer. I really thought it would be Cena but it would see the rumors were true and it’ll be Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles at SummerSlam. This was a great segment in every way. Paige, Ellsworth, and Samoa Joe all made it great. AJ didn’t have to do much, just sell his attack. Paige confirms that Joe is AJ’s opponent, and he cuts a pretty decent promo backstage. That’s a Samoa Joe I want to see.
Segment Rating: Ten This Is Your Lifes
BECKY LYNCH VS. CARMELLA
In my opinion the hottest face in the company vs. the biggest heel in the company. We’ll have to see if the crowd confirms this. No more Ellsworth for Carmella, at least for tonight, we’ll have to see if he’s really gone. The crowd doesn’t sound as into the match as I thought they’d be, but that last segment has to be tough to follow. Becky is obviously fired up for this match. Carmella is a great wrestler, especially for a chicken-shit heel. I actually feel like she’d be better off not wrestling as well as she does, to tone down her style, because it would fit her character better. Yes, a strange complaint about good wrestling. Not really a complaint, just an observation that she’s almost too good for a heel of her caliber. Becky kicks out after a nasty kick to the head, and then gets Carmella in the Dis-Arm-Her and makes the champ tap out to secure a title match at SummerSlam. Excellent.
Match Rating: Seven Gold Medals
NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT: NEW DAY VS. SAnitY
Killian Dain is a monster. However, New Day gets a surprising win in a very entertaining match with The Usos on commentary. the crowd was very into this match and everyone in the match got some of the spotlight. I don’t agree with New Day winning but I guess SAnitY isn’t made for a straight-up tag match. If this was a no DQ match it would be right up their alley. Very good match.
Match rating: Eight Gold Medals
IN-RING SEGMENT: MIZ & FAMILY
So you’re supposed to boo a heel, but you’re not supposed to boo a baby. That’s why this is shit-ass booking, and it’s a shitty idea to give these jackasses a TV show. He’s soliciting cheers and boos and the same time, and he’s wearing a Babybjörn. This is already the worst segment I’ve ever seen. I may have to use this as the new standard for ranking bad segments. Daniel Bryan hijacks the segment, but nothing can save this. I’m wondering if that’s a doll Miz is carrying. Thinking about it, I can’t believe they’d subject a baby to that amount of noise.
Yeah I called that. Miz runs down the city and skull crushes Daniel Bryan. Go ahead and attack the most beloved wrestler in the company, then pander to people to watch your TV show. I can’t with this shit. I hope they cancel it five minutes into the first episode.
Segment Rating: Ten Katie Vicks
It was a good show up until that awful finale. I’ve never given 10 Katie Vicks and 10 This Is Your Lifes on the same show. Unfortunately the former was the main event. Still, the good outweighed the bad tonight and I just have to think about how much the rest of the show entertained me, and how DB will finally get to smash Miz at SummerSlam.
Overall Show Rating: Six Gold Medals