IN-RING SEGMENT: FUCKING EVERYBODY
I’ve been interested to see how the crowd is going to react to Braun and his new alliance. Some cheers but mostly boos. It feels weird because… didn’t Roman get backup and leave Strowman laying first? That seemed like the heel turn. But no, because they’re The Shield, they’re faces no matter what? This seems like a really convoluted storyline, at least in the early stages.
To sum it up: Braun announces he’ll be cashing in his contract. It’s after a long match, sure, but let’s not split hairs here. Instead of letting the match happen, Rollins and Ambrose save Roman, then the three of them leave Strowman laid out. Strowman yet again announces when he’ll cash in, and when he gets hits own backup to even the odds… he’s the heel? Hm. Ok.
Ignoring all that, I just hope these two groups beat the shit out of each other on a regular basis, and tonight is a great start with the entire locker room needed to keep them apart, and even that barely works. Pretty badass opening segment.
Strowman Promo Rating: Eight Roddy Pipers
Ziggler Promo Rating: Six Roddy Pipers
Segment Rating: Nine This Is Your Lifes
The Shield gets arrested? This whole thing is fucked.
THE RIOTT SQUAD VS. THE BELLA TWINS
Nope. Fuck this. Thought we were done with these shitheads forever. Now the women’s division is gonna be set back five years. I especially loved when Brie went for a suicide dive, bounced her stomach off the middle rope, and just hung there like a retard. Then she botched ANOTHER one and fell flat on her face. Outstanding. We really need these SUPERSTARS back.
Zero. Zero zero zero.
Baron Corbin and Finn Balor, who have wrestled roughly 632 times in the past 2 months, will be the main event. Fun.
CHAD GABLE & BOBBY ROODE VS. THE ASCENSION
The Ascension may be a lost cause at this point. Both guys are in their late 30s and have been nothing but a joke since coming to the main roster. It’s pretty shitty because they could be a huge breath of fresh air for the awful Raw tag team division, but nope, they need to be idiotic jobbers instead. Did anybody think even for a second that they could win this match? They were invincible in NXT and can’t win a match on the main roster. Makes sense. To be fair, this match wasn’t that bad, the way they use The Ascension just leaves a really sour taste in my mouth, especially when they have them lose to two guys who have never teamed before.
Match Rating: Four Gold Medals
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: ELIAS
Elias got in a Christopher Columbus dig. Alexa Bliss rips her hometown. Good stuff
Elias Promo Rating: Five Roddy Pipers
Alexa Bliss Promo Rating: Six Sensational Sherris
NATALYA W/RONDA ROUSEY VS. ALEXA BLISS W/MICKIE JAMES & ALICIA FOX
Bliss makes Natalya tap to an arm bar, right in the face of Ronda, then attacks Rousey after the match. Ronda takes some punishment but fights her off. They’ve done a good job of making this feud feel less one-sided than it is.
Match Rating: Five Gold Medals
Braun wants competition, and it seems Ziggler and McIntyre are gonna take out The Revival and steal their tag team title shot.
Wow, Dolph and Drew struck quick. Top guys… out.
RAW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: DOLPH ZIGGLER & DREW McINTYRE VS. THE B-TEAM (c)
I wouldn’t be surprised to see a title change tonight. That’s exactly what happens following a really good match, and now each major Raw faction has championships. I like the decision. It makes the feud a bigger deal.
Match Rating: Seven Gold Medals
KEITH THOMPSON & JIMMY JAMES VS. THE AUTHORS OF PAIN W/DRAKE MAVERICK
Drake Maverick is managing the Authors of Pain. Cool! He presides of their massacre of two local talent. That had to hurt.
Destruction Rating: Nine Braun Strowmans
The Bella Twins talksadlfapoiasdjfasf ofdaofsdmpoufndkaiobsjvnaspdvkasdkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkopn
Sorry. They gave me an anger stroke. FUCK.
IN-RING PROMO: SHAWN MICHAELS
HBK picks HHH, saying he got a lot more left in the tank than Undertaker does. I feel like this would be a perfect time for taker to come out.
Well SHIT I timed that thought perfectly. I think we might even see HBK take a bump. This almost makes up for the Bellas. Almost. I just felt like this had to happen with Michaels sounding so antagonistic.
Taker says HBK can’t take it that he took Michaels’ career. Michaels says he’s stayed retired out of respect to the fans and to the Undertaker. These promos feel intenseloy personal and intensely real. They’re perfect. They really need to let guys cut their own promos again, and let mic talent like this rise to the top, or we’ll never get these moments again once these guys are gone for good. I’m surprised Taker didn’t choke slam Michaels, but that was excellent.
HBK Promo Rating: Ten Shawn Michaels
Undertaker Promo Rating: Ten Undertakers
Corbin backs out of his match with Finn Balor and replaces himself with Braun Strowman. Predictable, but fitting for the story, and we don’t get the same Corbin vs. Finn match for the hundredth time.
SASHA BANKS & BAYLEY VS. EMBER MOON & DANA BROOKE W/TITUS WORLDWIDE
I love Ember Moon. Did Dana Brooke botch a tag? Probably. Ember got some nice offense in, Dana screwed it up, and the one women’s match that had a potential to be good tonight got less than half the time the other one got. FUCK! Dana quits Titus Worldwide.
Match Rating: Three Gold Medals
MEDITATION SESSION: BOBBY LASHLEY & JINDER MAHAL
I have oh so much hope for this segment. I expected Lashley to not take it seriously. I did NOT expect Kevin Owens to attack. I was certainly wrong about how this was gonna go. WWE just mic dropped me.
Segment Rating: Six This Is Your Lifes
FINN BALOR VS. BRAUN STROWMAN W/DREW McINTYRE & DOLPH ZIGGLER
The Shield is out of jail. Woo hoo! Wrestling Strowman can’t be that much different than wrestling an actual bear. After beating the piss out of Balor for a bit, Strowman runs around the ring for his patented shoulder block, but Finn catches him with a Sling Blade. He keeps attempting a sleeper hold but Strowman keeps powering his way out. Finn hits a suicide dive on Strowman, Ziggler, & McIntyre. He is able to get Strowman in a triangle choke, but as you would expect, Braun hits a power bomb to get out of it. He follows with a power slam for the win. I wish they would stop showing close ups of the saliva in Braun’s beard.
Match Rating: Six Gold Medals
They Shield should be back momentarily. The three heels call for a triple power bomb on Balor after the match until we hear police sirens. The police van backs up and of course, Roman is driving with Seth and Dean in the back. All of the heels in the locker room run out and attack The Shield, including…. Drew Gulak?!? The Shield gets fucking destroyed. I didn’t see this coming at all. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck Drew Gulak is doing out there. I guess they need to give The Shield something significant to overcome.
Booking Rating: Five Dustys
Interesting show. Shitty on more than one occasion, but mostly intriguing, and better yet, unpredictable. Well done.
Overall Show Rating: Six Gold Medals